I saw Niagara Falls today. It is big. It is wet. It would be better with a jumbotron.
Also, here's a service I'm offering: Professional (a misrepresentation) Bookwear Service.
For fifty dollars per hundred pages, plus the price of the book if it is not already owned, the Professional Bookwear Service will brutalize spines into shapeless paper-like submission, the first of many indicators that a book has been read not just once but two, three, four times at least. Hardback books will have they're corners rounded down. The cardboard will show through the clothette. When lending books, your borrowers will know that you carry your books around often, on their own, possibly along with other books, so many books you can hardly keep a handle on them.
All books will have one in one hundred pages torn, ever so subtly at the corner. For an extra five dollars, the tear will come at particularly well-paced paragraphs, capturing your keenness to the illusion the author has endevoured to create.
Pages will also come dog-earred, underlined, and filled with near-legible notes, your reactions to the text.
An additional twenty-five dollar offer is available entirely according to preference. As is, the dog-ears, notes, and underlinings are random and it will be up to you to make sense of them should someone ask your reasoning behind your various annotations. There's some appeal to that, I feel, but Elliot's Annotations can be applied to any book, along with a primer which will serve as a summary of the book. Deconstructionist, Orientalist, and historical criticism reads available on demand, free of charge. Sliding scale for other readings.
All books will be mailed anywhere in the United States free of charge. I will inform you of international prices as I figure them out.
Also, I went on the Maid of the Mist. I got wet. Otherwise an entirely positive experience.