Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Make'em-Laff-Make'em-Laff-Make'em Laauugh!

Bunny Comics has explained the threat of Russia in a way even Gothic Horror fans will understand.

XKCD is good for stuff like this. And jokes about the LHC.

And from Jeffrey Rowland, existentialism, and misogyny: Overcompensating.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Into the Black Hole: Homework until Eternity

I went to Octoberfest at Penn Brewery, which means German bands, dancing, yelling stories, and the coolest hang-over I've had since I turned twenty-one. I watched the tale end of the debate, not drinking water, and fell asleep on a sweet couch.
In the morning, there was puking.
Then the puking of water.
And now my clavicle hurts.

So I didn't get much done this weekend, which is fine.
Lots of coordinating and sorting things out. A couple Ideas of import.
I just have to read "The Woman Warrior" and a couple essays for Tuesday.
But my collected syllabi are totally not cool and we aren't talking anymore.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Whatever Man

I was not accepted into Teach for America.
No, we would not like your free teaching skills.
I am not that worried. I am not less optimistic about grad school. I do not wish I knew why my application sucked so well. I am not faxing my resume to every credit card, bank, and insurance agency that advertises on the internet. I am not learning how to trap, gut, and deflesh the small mammals of various ecosystems. I am not learning to make fire from stone and leaf.
I do not care.

I am over it. Right now, I'm wondering why I think the Governor of California is a killer robot from the future and not a barbarian with bad hygiene whose name keeps getting honor and fear heaped on it by people who are, in a word, ridiculous.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


A List of Various Thoughts I have had Today while Experiencing the Sensation of Sinking
1. The only thing that will get me through Astro-Stat-Man's class is his pacing. The only thing that will keep me showing up is his Slavic (Polish) accent.
2.I should have bought my books before school started.
3. It's probably not safe for all these people to be here at once.
4. Those Bonded Money/Your Taxes at Work/Thanks, Suckers signs are some passive aggressive attempt to get people to stop voting for these road bills or whatever they are.
5. I'm assuming some major karmic debt for taking the last original oreo package.
6. This embargo on crossing the road in front of cell-phone using drivers unless I've received eye contact and some form of hand signal from them is probably indicative of an underlying trust issue, but I really only think about it after I've finished talking to my sister's friend in Homeland Security about whether or not ███████ is connected to ███████ in ██. It takes up nearly all my time.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Accidental Impression of The Duke

I was reading "Killing Yourself to Live,1" which has been easy for the first one-hundred fifty pages but the part at Lenore's apartment (while emotionally taxing) is just boring. Sad joke at the end of the chapter is great though.
Immediately afterwords, Chuck Klosterman begins a rant on Rod Stewart which includes the revelation that the Rod Stewart box set Storytellers is 4 CDs in the essential 600 disc CK road trip collection.2 The rant ends with the conclusion "Rod Stewart may be a blond clown, but everything he says is true." Which I just had to say out loud, and I did, but I was laughing so I ended up impersonating John Wayne as good or better than Kurt Russell does in Deathproof.3
1Which means that this blog entry is (a) of no consequence, (b) a joke, or (c) (a) or (b) but adheres to a standard of at least 85% veracity.
2yes, 600 essential CDs. So far there's Kid A, OK Computer, Hunky Dory, Drive-by Trucker's Southern Rock Opera, The soundtrack to Girl, Interupted, Highway to Hell, Fleetwood Mac's Rumours, and possibly Thriller, Shania Twain's Come On Over, Boston's Boston, and The Eagles greatest hits from 1971-1975 but that may have been a joke.
3Didn't you just crack up seeing Kurt Russell do the Duke? I nearly split a gut. My mom doesn't like Deathproof, or many other movies I like, but that's neither here nor there. She was upset that Kurt Russell is the bad guy. (I'm sorry.) Does this make John Wayne the bad guy? Is he just the bad guy to non-white, non-males?
I mean Kurt Russell is unemployed. My grandpa would not like him. (Stuntman Mike, not Kurt Russell, sorry.) Where is the connection? Is it the scar? Did KR say "OMG! I do the coolest Duke impression. You guys gotta see this!" and then Quentin Tarantino said, "zOMG! We should totally film this shit?"
I think it's a possibility.
Seriously though, was the Duke laughing while people were filming him?
Is there something to the fact that an honest impression of the Duke can only be created while laughing?
Who is the clown here?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

the power. the POWER!

I have power again. Electricity. Eeeee-leck-tricity. Watt
have I learned?
-S'mores pop-tarts are better when toasted, but everything is better now. Yes, even raw flesh.
-Kielbasa has a ridiculous shelf life. In a perfect world I will not issue a retraction that goes "actually, kielbasa is a sneaky fucker and I've have moved in to the bathroom. The lights are on. I'm not complaining."
-Going to the bathroom by candlelight sucks.
-Blackout beards are cool, but I have no upper lip.

Friday, September 19, 2008

An 85% True Story

Still w/o power/powerless to regain power. This makes a week. I feel profligate and subsequently blonde. (I read meditations in an emergency.) I wish I had a camp and a bonfire. AEP has told me, kindly at first, that the black out takes priority for some reason. I don't understand. My problem existed before and is easily fixed, but they do not have a person to spare. I would love a steak. I read an article in an old Esquire that extolled the virtues of olive oil when sautéing vegetables and the evils of it when applied to the searing of flesh.
Yes, I would still like steak by any name. It is still savory and delicious when paired with potatoes and dark beer.
Yes, I read Esquire. Intermitently. I have selection criteria.
-"This way Out" tells a funny joke. Last time I bought one the joke was "How the top 1% lives." (Genius sex is like regular sex, but with footnotes.)
-WTF is on the cover. Last time it was Robert Downey Jr. (Appaerently he smokes cigarettes now. Camel "straights," which is hardass for Camel Non-Filter [he is in AA. It is okay.])
-WTF does Chuck Klosterman think? Last time he was puzzling out a question of international opinion. (There was also a... [small encapsulated thing that has nothing to do with the article but kind of does and also kind of looks like a chart] showing four covers to "Killing yourself to Live." The American cover was what you'd expect. The Italian cover was the same but had an introduction by someone else. In French, the essay is still called Killing Yourself to Live but the cover is like flash tattoo art with KISS skulls and a steaming car. The German cover is austere (black with bright text) and the title is "An 85% True Story." Awesome.)
-Will I be able to use this for reference in the future? Last issue contained the above mentioned searing and sautéing instructions, as well as some decent recipes. Also a rubric for evaluating the size of my (metaphorical) testicles.
My criterion are rarely fulfilled, but 3 out of 4 is good enough when the wallet is thick. (with paper or digital paper-proxies.)
So I bought an issue of Esquire yesterday because what else is there to do. This issue is the 75th Anniversary of Esquire.
√ This Way Out contains 75 years of retractions and corrections including a startling revelation that Frank Sinatra did not have a cold for [some interview he did with Esquire] but Chlamydia.
√ The cover is "75 years of Esquire" but offers 75 influential people of the 21st Century. (It's a very forward-thinking issue.) They also continue to promote an electronic ink edition of the cover. The "American Diaspora" article even interviews the fellow who helped invent it. (Esquire is apparently manned by turds.)
√ Chuck Klosterman writes a timeline for the next 75 years of history. (Robot vs. Animal war. Moon colonization by necessity. Simulated experiences of phone sex, death, and whole lives. McCain, Obama, a blogger named Digger True, and Tom Brady become president. Jamie Lynn Spears becomes Prime Minister of the West Coast. "It turns out that smoking is kind of good for you.")
-No good reference material. Several Fashion people write blurbs on the future of fashion beneath their piled up hand bags, trench coats, over coats, and button-downs.

Creative dinner experiences: I'm tired of eating out. I've cleaned my home out of Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch, milk, (only threw out half of it) butter,(wasted) a pound of corned beef,(total loss) yogurt, sugar cookies, and pickles. I have 8 packages of S'Mores pop tarts and some Fiber One bars, as well as a package of kielbasa, beer, liquor, and maraschino cherries. Last night I bought a small package of lox, triscuits and cream cheese, which fuctioned as dinner and lunch, yesterday and today, respectively. I do not care for Salmolux lox. Tonight I will find a raccoon or other small mammal and grill it outside of AEP's office using fell branches and gasoline. It will be awesome and not rabid.
I have managed to finish my applicaton to TfA and a short story. Further proof that blackouts are awesome.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sometimes I like to Pretend I am a Cartoon Character

I haven't been staying at home much lately. It would even be accurate to say I am getting out more. So while I don't know if I am the best judge, I would say that it appears people, not necessarily "people like me" are getting out more. I have come to this bold conclusion because the places I go to seem busy. I suspect no one can cook other than the service industry.
And soon there will be a rush at the supermarkets, I suspect, even though I haven't been at one of those places in a week, because people will be able to keep things cool the way they do.
So I have an innovative solution to the financial crisis you may or may not have heard of:
Shut the power off in a random residential zone for three days every month. Call it the "Get the Fuck Off your Computers and Out of your Houses" plan.
You'll thank me later.

In other news, it's true that I sometimes like to pretend I'm a cartoon character instead of a real-life character. These photos were produced using a hypocritical photographer, a computer with an over-screen camera, and a bottle of Neutrogena Clear Skin cream. (Left on for longer than five minutes with no (noticeable) ill effects.)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Lucky You :: The Balls

As a testament to growing up or perhaps to a single moment of restraint, I have not bought any Norman Mailer or Irvine Welsh. I did buy "the world is flat."
Oh come on, it's a first edition with a cover they weren't really allowed to use!
No one understands.

Got up this morning and took the GRE, proving once again, I am perfectly mundane. Average. My infiltration into American culture is complete. I have a credit score and a GRE composite score that is twice that. Yes, that bad. er. Average.
The test is "an experience."
You are offered a choice of "the chair over there" or "the comfy chairs along the wall," while you reproduce a statement in your own handwriting. There are comfy chairs and even a loveseat in the white-painted mason brick basement.

You confirm your identity to a man who takes a very bad picture of you. Your social security number is all zeroes until you give it to him, if you want to. You put all your possessions but your ID into a locker.

There may or may not be a poster of a cat with it's claws out, captioned "Hang in there," or a dog laying on her back with her impossibly large ears splayed out to frame the word "Relax." Those may be imagined.

There may or may not have have been a string quartet with a violinist who snapped his fingers in between sets just to say "No hay banda! It is... an illusion." (Finally!)
But there was a brass and green glass lamp on each desk. That was kind of cool. And they give you a ton of scrap paper. So that's nice.

I received my first bill from AEP today. I still do not have power. I think this is very poor form, especially considering it doesn't even take into account that I paid them already. It was sent automatically, unlike my power restoration, which must be done by hand. Neat.

Rolling Stone has a comedy issue out. While the feature is smaller than I like, considering that it TAKES UP THE WHOLE COVER, like front and back, I chuckled a little. I haven't even finished it and I've been laughing. I laughed at Robin Williams favorite joke and it's take on mother-father identification.1 I laughed at the Obama fluffing. Because "with us" and "against us" is certainly choice rhetoric to steal from... who? I will, at some point, watch Drunken History and read "Garfield without Garfield."

I do not care for Volcano Tacos from Taco Bell. That said, they are a fine eighty-nine cent investment...
I think a man is trying to convince a woman to come with him when he leaves for Rome and his new, exciting, first job out of school in two days.2 What "courage or nerve!"

1 A man, named Teddy for conventional purposes, is having sex with a woman. Despite their various stages of secular detachment, they can't help but notice when the door opens and the brief slice of slight from the hall is obscured by their son. Teddy pauses in mid-stroke when he sees the look of abject horror on his son's face. When his son flees, the man resolves to talk to the boy. The couple finishes up and he dresses. "I should sit down with him," Terry says, "this is a good a time as any for him to learn the way of the world."
He does not find his son in his room. Terry walks into the family room expecting to see his son watching TV while his mother protests about the state of youth-these-days. Instead he finds the boy fucking his grandmother screaming "how do you like it when it happens to you old man?"
2They were dressed like they were older. Maybe they were Master's recipients and grad school students. Maybe I just have a strange conception of how thirty-somethings dress.

Friday, September 12, 2008

If I had my way, I'd burn this whole building down.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: (nothing has changed. I do not write by navigating song/poetry lyrics.)
My cell phone had been sketchy on the battery since wheeling so I'd been keeping it off, mostly to avoid the beeping but also so I'd be able to call my parents. I called them as always and tried to charge it but without the expected result. Usually, there is a screen that says "charging" and a picture of a rhino. (a lie)
Anyhow, I'm back in Columbus. Rejoice.

Awesome things I've done since getting back:
Made an old-fashioned. (finally)
Made a Caesar salad in the dark and with chicken. (pre-cut-and-cooked, thank-God)
Threw away two and 1/8 sticks of unfrozen butter, 1/4 jar mayonnaise, two trays not-ice, 3 slices American cheese, and a tub of freezer defrostings.
Put away milk, eggs, 1 pound chipped corned beef, 5 cups fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt, 2 tomatoes, more butter, kielbasa and a new pitcher of warm but filtered water.
Drank an old-fashioned on the porch.
Ate the cherries.
Unpacked. Just unpacked. I even unpacked some of the stuff that was already put away in my apartment.

Totally excellent things I'm looking forward to doing after I finish blogging:
Calling the electric company and yelling a lot at someone unconnected to me or the recent difficulties I'm experiencing.
Buying candles.
Not thinking about hot wax and it's manifold applications. (Just two really.)
Writing several commentaries on the overrated nature of air conditioning, television, and nuclear power.
Building a dynamo.
Being afraid to fall asleep.
Reading by candlelight.
Missing gas-powered fire devices.
Eating as much yogurt and peanut butter cap'n crunch as possible.

Food eaten is inherently better than food wasted.
The power isn't out in my apartment/block.
My landlord didn't turn off the power in my apartment to prevent a fire or some other bullshit.1
I will never get tired of pooping in the dark.
I have no use for a cooler other than the fact that my refrigerator is not working and it could hold more ice than my fridge, serving as a possible and consistent supply line for old-fashioneds.

Unknown Assumptions (previously understood as givens):
[Giant Eagle has] many inexpensive candles that will replace the pot brownie-ish smell in my apartment.
Yogurt takes a while to become cottage cheese.
Ice is inexpensive.

1 Re: Bullshit- I called my landlord and asked him to fix the lock on my mailbox because it wouldn't close. Every mailbox but mine is now fixed. And there are springs and clips and a box for a riveter outside my door. (also by the mailbox) Yeah. Am I being told to fix this myself? I think there's something in my lease about altering my apartment and this isn't even in my apartment.

Title, by the way, is from Samson and Delilah, which lends it's title and lyrics to a Sarah Conner Chronicles ep. I watched. It was ok. Lots of things that are and aren't. The male lead's (John Conner) relationship with the female leads are that of son-mother (his mother is Sarah Conner, played by Lena Headey from 300) and ward-guardian. (he has a robot protector played by Summer Glau from Serenity/Firefly and my dreams) These are desexualized roles at least with regards to the male lead. Neither his mother or his robot protector are going to foster a romance with John Conner,1 so the writers are free to develop those characters around non-romantic expectations. Which would be awesome and is what I've always wanted in science-fiction, but there are sci-fi expectation, a big one being time travel in the terminator series. For instance, if they're killing the people who invent skynet, then they're uninventing one of their characters, and the means through which they travel back in time.
Also, as far as resources are concerned: Time travel must be really easy. I mean, sure, there are a lot of terminators in the past, and a lot of humans from the future apparently. And to an extent this makes sense. If time travel machines run on solar power or something like a dog on a treadmill, then send as many robots or soldiers as you can spare. It especially makes sense for skynet to invade the past as it is apparently impossible to find John Conner in the future where the rest of the humans are dead and there are a lot of robots.
But sure, psychologically it's great. It's nice seeing FBI guy look crazy. It's nice seeing people live off the grid through a main stream venue.
It's bullshit they have cell phones.
1 /me in my quest to interpret everything as first-person prescriptive. Or at least everything with Everyman heroes in common settings aspiring to uncommon goals while simultaneously rejecting the fate that beautiful women have told them they're bound to

Thursday, September 4, 2008


fucking weird or couture? Well, that's probably not mutually exclusive. One or both, you decide.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Canada and Professional Bookwear.

I saw Niagara Falls today. It is big. It is wet. It would be better with a jumbotron.
Also, here's a service I'm offering: Professional (a misrepresentation) Bookwear Service.

For fifty dollars per hundred pages, plus the price of the book if it is not already owned, the Professional Bookwear Service will brutalize spines into shapeless paper-like submission, the first of many indicators that a book has been read not just once but two, three, four times at least. Hardback books will have they're corners rounded down. The cardboard will show through the clothette. When lending books, your borrowers will know that you carry your books around often, on their own, possibly along with other books, so many books you can hardly keep a handle on them.
All books will have one in one hundred pages torn, ever so subtly at the corner. For an extra five dollars, the tear will come at particularly well-paced paragraphs, capturing your keenness to the illusion the author has endevoured to create.
Pages will also come dog-earred, underlined, and filled with near-legible notes, your reactions to the text.
An additional twenty-five dollar offer is available entirely according to preference. As is, the dog-ears, notes, and underlinings are random and it will be up to you to make sense of them should someone ask your reasoning behind your various annotations. There's some appeal to that, I feel, but Elliot's Annotations can be applied to any book, along with a primer which will serve as a summary of the book. Deconstructionist, Orientalist, and historical criticism reads available on demand, free of charge. Sliding scale for other readings.
All books will be mailed anywhere in the United States free of charge. I will inform you of international prices as I figure them out.

Also, I went on the Maid of the Mist. I got wet. Otherwise an entirely positive experience.